Police Blotters – December 2011

There was a moment as I was reading through the police blotters last month, when I thought that the December calls to the police might be a sobering reminder of how fortunate most of us are, that our family members don’t try to kill us (three days before Christmas, there was a call from a woman who said a family member was attempting to choke her) and that we can afford a nice meal on Christmas (there were multiple calls about people shoplifting groceries before the holidays).

But, as it turned out, December’s calls to the police in this small, foothill town were ultimately a spectacular display of insanity, from the call about a murderous transsexual Taliban on the loose to the caller who reported that God (or Jehovah) was in town and driving a taxi.

11:19 a.m. — A caller from the southbound ramp of the highway reported a man patrolling the ramp in hopes of locating the Central Intelligence Agency.

2:47 p.m. — A caller reported that someone stole his Mason jar last week. At 8:47 p.m., he called back to tell officers that if he was killed that he would like to leave all his property to his daughter.

2:37 a.m. — A caller reported that all his friends are against him.

2:51 a.m. — A caller reported that a woman was screaming at her because her computer wouldn’t work.

7:19 a.m. — A caller  reported an intruder locked in the downstairs’ bathroom. Officers cleared the house and made contact with the intruder, who was determined to be a visiting member of the caller’s family from out of state.

7:43 p.m. — A caller reported several inflatable Christmas decorations were slashed with a knife and destroyed.

8:52 a.m. — A man reported a woman tried to kill him by putting heroin in his coffee. He said he didn’t go the hospital because his system is immune to heroin. He also reported that God or Jehovah drove him home in a taxi.

10:59 a.m. — A woman reported that every time she parks her car, someone puts a hole in her tire.

4:11 a.m. — A woman reported a transsexual or cross-dresser stole her Hello Kitty purse, and had been trying to murder her for years. She then claimed it was the Taliban and hung up.

1:15 p.m. — A caller reported a concern about an ostrich.

9:23 p.m. — A woman reported drinking two large Jaegermeisters and thinking she might die. She was transported to the hospital.

11:07 p.m. — A woman reported violence and verbal abuse. On callback, she said the kids were getting excited about Christmas.

12:12 p.m. — A woman reported her son missing since Dec. 9, when he left for Yosemite to find the lunar eclipse. She called later to report his return.

9:20 p.m. — A man reported being assaulted by a “hillbilly” in a cowboy hat.

4:22 p.m. — An extremely drunken man reported being raped and then laughed. He agreed not to call again.

3:38 p.m. — A woman reported a burning bottom. She was advised to call her physician.

8:01 a.m. — A caller reported a transient who, despite requests not to return, frequently stops by to clog the toilet. An officer advised the man to stay away.
7:25 a.m. — A caller reported vandalism to a vehicle. The caller also reported finding a blue pumpkin in the back seat.


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