July 2011 Police Blotters

This month’s police blotters function as a excellent resource of what not to do in public: (1) don’t be naked, even if you are “well-built”,  (2) don’t get “intimate” in public parks, and (3) by all means, don’t take a shit in public (or on a bar stool).

Also, it’s probably best if to refrain from calling your child a “motherf—er”.

  • 10:48 p.m. — A caller reported the theft of aluminum cans and car mats.
  • 2:55 p.m. — A caller reported a naked man sitting on a blanket.
  • 12:10 p.m. — A caller ported a naked man walking down the road. At 12:53 p.m., a caller reported the naked man, who was described as well-built.
  • 11:10 a.m. — A caller reported she was suspicious of two men walking down the street carrying a gas can, because it is fire season.
  • 8:53 a.m. — A caller reported an elderly woman was yelling for free coffee outside of a breakfast restaurant.
  • 9:26 p.m. — A caller from a park reported two people were becoming intimate in sleeping bags.
  • 5:27 a.m. — A man reported two people broke into his house, left baskets piled in the yard and are wrapped in blankets, lying in the driveway. It was found possibly to have been a dream. {Seriously?! Sigh.}
  • 4:06 p.m. — A caller from an elementary school reported a woman sitting on a bench with her pants down and no underwear.
  • 8:07 p.m. – A caller called to report several books and electronics were stolen from his home. He believes he is being targeted by a Mexican cocaine cartel, who steal his Costco shirts and his MP3 player. He was “extremely” high on marijuana.
  • 4:02 p.m. – A caller reported a man had defecated himself in front of a business there.
  • 9:31 p.m. — A caller reported a woman in black walking in the road. She was found to be OK and was collecting invisible birds with a flashlight.
  • 4:03 p.m. — A caller reported a man named “Mario” and “Pacman” refusing to leave.
  • 10:38 a.m. — A caller reported a person with tape around their head, a snorkel, goggles, and feathers, with many tattoos. The person was not found to be under the influence.
  • 9:32 a.m. — A caller reported four men moved all the caller’s belongings into a smaller space with no utilities, complaining that the caller’s recliner gave off a bad odor. The situation was mediated.
  • 3:03 p.m. — A woman wanted advice about “watering in her pants.”
  • 1:07 a.m. — A caller reported a bunch of “tweekers.”
  • 10:07 p.m. — A woman reported a person jumped over her fence and might have broken into her vehicle. The person was wearing swim trunks and allegedly yelled “Die, bitch” before fleeing.
  • 1:58 p.m. — A caller reported mail was stolen from a purse, and clothes, shoes and spaghetti also were missing.
  • 3:56 a.m. — A woman reported someone tried to take her antique lantern.
  • 9:28 p.m. – A caller from a business reported a woman defecated on a bar stool and on a patio before she fled on foot.
  • 11:09 a.m. — A woman reported having been robbed and wanted to talk to someone over 60. A taxi was called to transport her.
  • 12:34 p.m. — A caller reported a woman passed out with a toddler unsupervised and opening doors. The woman said she thought she would wake up before the baby did.
  • 4:33 p.m. — A caller reported a man punching the air.
  • 7:55 p.m. — A caller reported 10 llamas in the road.
  • 7:40 p.m. — A caller reported a verbal dispute between a woman and her 7-year-old child, who bit her. The incident allegedly started over a bag of popcorn. While it was not totally clear from the report due to redacted names, it appears the mother called the child a motherf—er and grabbed her in a chokehold, and the child bit her arm to get away. The duo have a history of playing rough and pretend choking occurs; the rough play got out of hand. No intent of child abuse was substantiated.
  • 8:38 a.m. — A woman reported finding gold fields in 1957 and selling the fields to the government for $33 billion. She said the money was missing from a bank. She was transferred to the Police Department.

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