June 2011 Police Blotters

The woman who called the small town police to report that “the natives are restless again” really summed up last month’s crazy police blotters. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes reading over the list of strange calls. With reports of a  senior citizen defecating on a chair, a woman snorting salt, and two (!!) calls about midgets (and not just any midgets, “wide” midgets), I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

  • 6:05 p.m. — A woman reported “large black men” knocked a woman down and left her lying in the street. She requested an area check tomorrow because people might be trapped under vacant buildings.
  • 9:12 p.m. — A woman in her mid-50s with long, gray hair came into a business, “pulled down her pants and defecated on a chair.” She was escorted out.
  • 8:22 a.m. — A caller reported a man knocking on a door and screaming.
  • 7:34 p.m. — A caller reported a man hitting a vehicle with a sledgehammer. He was found to have been mad at the vehicle.
  • 5:21 p.m. — A man reported he cannot urinate and needed a plumber. A woman got on the line and said to ignore the call, and a verbal dispute ensued. The person was referred to a social worker.
  • 4:58 p.m. — A caller reported a man tried to steal a dog and left behind a bag of raw meat.
  • 11:23 a.m. — A woman reported she could not pull her pants down by herself.
  • 7:25 p.m. — A caller reported a woman was extremely drunk and threatening another woman because she wasn’t letting her urinate outside. The woman denied the allegations. At 1:36 a.m. Monday, a caller reported the woman was still extremely drunk and was snorting salt. She did not need medical attention. At 4:31 a.m., a man reported the woman had bitten him on both arms. A report was taken.
  • 7:22 a.m. — A man reported the destruction of a pay phone, then said “the cult was taking everything.” An employee at the business said the man was talking about Hiroshima, George Bush and Nazis. He was moving on.
  • 2:18 p.m. — A caller from a park reported a man banging his head on a barbecue. He was arrested on suspicion of violating parole.
  • 10:49 a.m. — A man reported his neighbor has a listening device and is “tapping” him inside his residence with video and audio surveillance.
  • 5:26 p.m. — A man reported being very drunk and needing to go to jail because he was out of control. He was admonished on the proper use of 911, but probably was too intoxicated to understand.
  • 6:20 p.m. — A caller reported a man with multiple tattoos, who doesn’t wear a shirt, screams obscenities from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed at night. The residence has six pit bulls and trash everywhere. The man was smoking marijuana in front of children. At 7:55 p.m., a caller reported the man was seen putting a gun in his pants and a knife in his back pocket. At 5:15 a.m. Sunday, a woman at that address reported her husband assaulted her. A be-on-the-lookout advisory was issued.
  • 11:53 a.m. — A caller reported “rioting and the destruction of wealth.”
  • 12:34 p.m. — A caller reported a man outside a medical clinic was “yelling, screaming and throwing things.” The man was informed a doctor would not see him, and he left “agitated” and was driving. The caller was concerned because the man appeared “to be detoxing.”
  • 2:27 p.m. — Callers reported a woman was screaming and pounding on the floor with a brick. An officer found the woman had been drinking and advised her to keep it down. At 4:14 p.m., a caller reported the woman was “back outside causing a disturbance,” and later she was “laying in the dirt outside” of a mobile home park.
  • 1:31 a.m. — A woman reported “the natives are restless again,” adding people were out in the street yelling and fighting. She could hear crashing noises.
  • 10:10 a.m. — A woman reported an altercation that involved “wide midgets” who had appeared after Father’s Day.
  • 6:55 p.m. — A woman reported a woman recently released from jail was being beaten up by midgets, which come up from under the floorboards at night.
  • 1:45 p.m. — A caller reported a large naked man directing traffic. The man was now fully dressed and agreed to be clothed while in public view.
  • 3:50 p.m. — A caller reported a woman and her neighbor were screaming at each other. Upon closer inspection, they were having a laugh.
  • 12:46 a.m. — A behind the Police station reported a man was dancing on the sidewalk.
  • 11:51 p.m. — A caller reported his wife assaulted him by pinching him really hard on the face.
  • 4:36 p.m. — A caller reported someone took a wooden cross and put it back in the ground upside-down. There were numerous Monster drink cans lying around.
  • 12:46 p.m. — A caller reported a man took pills and ran around naked, but was now back in the residence and was lying on the floor crying. He was transported to the emergency room.
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