You Read it in the Post and the Daily News

Among the many things I don’t understand or appreciate about weddings are wedding announcements. What’s the point of an announcement? Everyone we’re close to already knows we’re gettin’ hitched (and if there was any confusion about it, we fired off a save-the-date this month).

The announcements in the Sunday New York Times often seem to be an opportunity to brag. There’s always a bride that graduated magna cum laude from Harvard/Yale or a groom whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower. Yawn. I delight in the more unusual announcements, the ones where the bride says something like, “Not to mention that being around puppets is very sexy”.

Given the odd police blotters I cull from my old hometown newspaper, it’s probably no surprise that their announcements are a little different from what you’ll find in the New York Times. The announcement may note, for example, that the bride “wore a handcrafted Celtic-style veil and an off-white, multi-layered Georgette dress that took on an ethereal ‘fairy in flight’ appearance as she rode guests up and down the hill on her brother’s quad runner.”

But if you don’t have a connection to puppets or to the Mayflower, or if you lack a quad runner, how do you make your wedding stand-out? Here are some ideas:

The first rule of announcements is to toot your own horn. But don’t limit yourself to the facts. Say whatever the hell you want. My very favorite in this category is the announcement of the very humble Tiffany and David that stated: “Tiffany is heaven sent, and David is a true blessing from God.”

Don’t we all want the chance to publish something about ourselves that may or may not be true? Think of all the things we could say! “Mr. WholeHog was raised by wolves and Ms. Piggy has smells like bacon.” Or, “Mr. WholeHog walks on water, and Ms. Piggy is a 6.7 on the richter scale.” The possibilities are endless.

You can also use your wedding announcement to confirm your wedding choices. Did people think you had too many bridesmaids and groomsmen? Take a hint from Laura and Bobby who pointed out in their announcement that “Each attendant was so special to the couple that they are very happy with their decision to have a large wedding party.”

Worried people aren’t sure you should be getting married? Zak and Gianna pointed out that they’d shared “a long and ‘amazing’ friendship”. (Putting amazing in quotes makes it much more believeable, don’t you think?)

Lastly, let your crazy flag fly. Let your whole town know that you are on a permanent acid trip or flirting with mental illness. It’s difficult to sum up all the alarming features of this couple’s wedding announcement, but in short:
(1) the couple had a “woodland creatures in outer space theme”,
(2) the bride was at one point “hatching out of a cosmic egg”, and
(3) the couple “donned a spider costume built for two.”
If possible, post some frightening pictures (don’t say I didn’t warn you!).

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One Response to “You Read it in the Post and the Daily News”

  1. sarah Says:

    good LORD

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